Death And All Its Glory

"Death would be a privilege for you." Someone said that straight to my face a few years back, but strangely i couldn't recall who. I'm tired both physically and spiritually, and I don't think my body can take any more of this abuse. I feel my soul slowly sipping away and i fear I'm turning into someone I'm not. If someone put a curse on me, then all i can say is job well done. "Today, there is no God for me" The quote from a man who saw before his eyes, the brutal execution of everyone he loves, and was in line himself too. The only thing that stands between me and hell is a really thin line of perseverance, which is stretching ever so fast day by day.
Day after day, I'd give myself reasons for pushing on, how ever ridiculous they may be. Now I'm running out of them, just imagine having to give yourself an excuse to live. The things I've seen and done, sometimes beyond human nature. Maybe its the reason I'm having these peculiar and unprecedented dreams. Maybe this is the way karma says hi. Whatever it may be, i don't want it. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of losing everyone i love. I'm tired of being hated by everyone. I can almost see the awe expression of the coroner when they perform my autopsy. Wondering how could someone survive while being totally screwed up inside.
My head feels like an atomic clock, endlessly ticking even when there's no real need for it, endlessly processing stuff that doesn't even make sense to some. Someone please teach me how to give up. God, i really sound like an emo n drugs. Hey, maybe I am an emo on drugs.
I include along with this post, the most intimate and personal secrets of my life. Things that have been kept secret all my life for 19 years are now open for the public's personal entertainment. First of all, just for clarification purposes, I'm not from a freaking rich family. Both my parents are just government school teachers, so their wages are just enough for us to lead a slightly above par life. But this isn't the point, my family isn't filthy rich, but i certainly am. Correction, me and my brother. You see, a few years back, while i was in form 3 i think, my bro decided to try out something interesting, playing with stocks and shares. I don't know what the hell its all about at that time but i trusted him. So i flushed out a portion of my bank account earned from part time jobs and ang pau money to my bro. He invested and after awhile, my bank account became 3 times larger. Hobby became obsession, and soon after we were investing profusely within several potential and large companies, behind our family's back of course. Long story short, right now we own a shared bank account with more than 400,000 USD inside, and no one knows about it except both of us. So yea, i'm supporting myself when studying here. Worse part is, my mum assumes I'm on scholarship or something.
For those who haven't found out by now, my dad passed away while i was really young. Since then, i blame myself every single day for letting it happen. My dad passed on the 15th of November, and my birthday is on the 14th of November, go figure. I really can't bear to go into details for this, its too overwhelming for me, but all in all, he died trying to protect me. I had to bear with this burden and guilt for more than 10 years now. Within those years, i secluded myself, kept my emotions behind a wall of apathy. And I only truly trusted two persons at that time, my brother and my then-gf. Over time, i learned to invite others over that wall, my social circle widened and i finally started to live again.
After a series of unprecedented events, i broke up with my gf. But this is another story for another time. The impact of that break up brought me here to this state now, then add on the rejection of the girl i really liked, I'm still surprised that I haven't broken down emotionally. I mean, what kind of person would hate someone who genuinely likes them. She literally ordered me not to like her, or else she'll be really pissed off. If she doesn't want people to like her, why even bother advertising herself to everyone here. She said she's afraid I'll distort her "market value", i really don't get this, she made it sound like this is a brothel or something. So now I'm avoiding her the best i can manage, but still helping her behind her back, cause i really can't get over her.
Being alone is the worst feeling in the world, being alone with guilt is just pure inhumane. But nevertheless this is a burden i have to carry myself, and myself only. I really need someone to talk to, someone to trust, but no one really takes me seriously now. And my friends don't deserve to trouble themselves with my afflictions. So I guess I'm fated to be alone all my life, I must have pissed off "someone" in the life before.